Sunday, July 23, 2017

MY MARGARET

She is mine.
I say this with all deference and courteous regard to those who share her bloodline, her name, or more hours of her life than I. I know how gracefully she sits on that holy throne of matriarchal power, where masses of people surround her with love and reverence… people who have deep roots that have grown under her seat and wrapped themselves around her. I was a stranger who popped into her already-full life less than five years ago.
Margaret's family at the 50 year anniversary celebration for
Margaret's School of Custom Dressmaking and Design
Still, without apology, I claim her as my own.
I know, just about everyone else who knows her feels the same, at least those who know her well, but we have our very own recipe, Margaret and I: simple, and relatively plain, and uniquely ours. I suppose the beauty of it comes out in the context, much the same way two notes played on the piano can be rather boring alone, but sparkle and pop when wrapped in divine orchestration.

Margaret Bingham Farmer and I met in her safe place, which soon became my safe place, down there under the garage, tucked into the eastern ridge of the foothills of Centerville, Utah, nearly five years ago. My mother had passed away that summer, and my heart was heavy with absence and longing. My friend Suzanne suggested one day that I join her in the sewing class she attended Wednesday mornings. I looked at Suzanne and chuckled, reminding her that the closest I came to ever sewing anything, past the age of thirteen, was the Fuzzy Wuzzy Bear costume I glued together with a hot glue gun for my five-year old’s tap recital. Suzanne reassured me that this was not your typical sewing class, that I would fit right in, and I would especially love the teacher, who had taught Suzanne how to sew forty years ago, and was still teaching. Plus, I could learn how to alter the blouses that never fit properly around my hips. I agreed to give it a go, partly because I was curious about this ancient sewing guru, but mostly because I wanted to spend a bit of time with Suzanne.
Eight-thirty Wednesday morning Suz picked me up. We wove through the streets of Farmington and Centerville up to Margaret’s house; a funky vintage-y looking place which had to have been super hip when it was built in the early 1960’s. The separate two car garage sat at road level, as did the entrance to the house, but the lot sloped down to the west, offering awesome views, and a walk-out basement under both structures. We waddled down a flight of cement steps between the house and garage, opened the screen and plain wood doors and entered the sacred space. I knew right away it was holy. It smelled of clean laundry starch and faint machine oil, the air was soft and warm on our skin, moist with the steam from the commercial grade steam iron sitting always at attention there in the hallway. The room buzzed with conversation, sentences rising with questions and falling with answers. There were sounds of thin brown pattern paper rattling, round metal weights clunking down on the cutting table, scissors snipping, and always underneath everything, was the faithful churning of machines working in earnest. The room was filled with women, probably seven or eight of them, some sitting at machines, some standing at tables.
In the center of it all was a white-haired Yoda-like-guru-master-of-a-woman, with a yellow tape measure hung around her neck along with a black lanyard at the bottom of which was attached a small sharp pair of scissors. A blue denim apron hung from her waist, filled with marking pens and seam rippers and hem chalk. All the energy in the frenetic, colorful space swirled around her, like bees in a hive.


I try, at this moment, to recall that very first meeting; the moment itself when I first met Margaret face to face, but I have lost it somewhere in my brain. Instead I see her eyes light up when they see me, her lips turn readily upward at the edges, and her soft, able hands rise to embrace me. It seems to me that this has always been our welcome dance, but I know logically that it cannot be true…that there was once a time when we were strangers to each other, but it must have been so short lived that it disappeared like the flash of a lightening bug on a dark summer night.
For her 90th birthday I got her a selfie stick.
Suzanne made her famous  almond cherry cake
 topped with very cool Hanukkah candles
My Margaret is full of stories, and always interested in mine as well. We sit knee to knee, sometimes sewing, sometimes not, because sewing was always secondary to me. We sit and talk and talk and talk: about Preston, Idaho when she was small and fatherless, the youngest in a big ole batch of sisters; about Traphagen, the design school in New York City where she mastered her craft, with its eccentric schoolmistress whose large portrait hung in the entrance to the school – a woman dressed in strange ornate male medieval garb. Escapades in the big city, designing Boy Scout film costumes, long trips on the subway, getting the best wool in the Lower East Side by being the first to purchase in the morning from immigrant shop owners. My Margaret told of dinners in elegant places with elegant people, chance encounters and streets filled with returning soldiers at the end of WWII. Stories of that character she married named Jay; of her boys covered in tar and trapped in phone booths, of her girls, at least one of whom was born in that very sewing room when it first served as a temporary home until the real house was built. Unwed mothers nurtured privately and shamelessly in her home. Goats milked daily in her back yard. A pear tree chopped down by her young son in the neighbor’s yard which Jay insisted be used as a Christmas tree later that year. The day another neighbor boy’s horse foaled and they all watched. Mornings memorizing as she laid her feet in her chi machine, and seven push-ups every night, even at ninety years old, after prayers. “I’m already down there you know, on my knees, so I just do my pushups then go to bed.”
Each year, in early fall, Margaret begins the monumental task of creating the Christmas gifts for her large brood. When you live to be nearly a hundred, the number of ducklings following you becomes herd-like. It became a team project to figure out those fabric banks she designed and stitched for all her posterity. None of us touched them, but we all owned them emotionally, we who called ourselves her sewing minions. (Few of us can figure out how to use that computerized machine. We all, except for Linda, default to those trusty Bernina’s that line the classroom.) Then there were the sweatshirts, which used up maybe half an inch of fabric out of the miles and miles she has in the fabric room.
Last year I suggested to Margaret that she record some of those stories and give them as her Christmas gift. Her kids had bought her a newfangled iPhone. Each Wednesday she taught me a little sewing and I taught her a new thing to do on her smart phone. “Here’s how you take a picture.” And… “If you push this icon then you can record your voice and the phone will write it out for you. Or if you push this one you will have a recording of your voice, and you can label and save it like this.” I was always amazed at how much she could retain, and how quick she was to learn this technical stuff when she had been born in the days when the preferred mode of transportation was horse, and maybe a buggy.
Look at those sparkly eyes!
Each Wednesday I set my phone on the table in front of her and let her talk, or we asked her questions. She was a storyteller extraordinaire, and part of her charm was that she didn’t know it. By late November I made an appointment in the recording studio to download, mix and master all those stories from my phone and her phone. I picked Margaret up and drove her to the studio. She had not been feeling too well. Her ankles were awfully swollen, and they thought maybe something was wrong with her heart, because it wasn’t doing its regular stellar job of pumping for her. She was recovering from pneumonia perhaps, though I don’t remember clearly, because every time Margaret wasn’t feeling top notch, she knew what to do, what voodoo concoction to assemble, or Klixi took her to the doctor, and she came out of it good as new. I sat her next to me on the couch in the studio while my friend Mark engineered. It took hours. I lifted Margaret’s feet onto the coffee table in front of us and placed a pillow behind her head. She dozed while we worked. That’s when I knew that someone holier than any of us was tugging at a thread in the fabric of her supernatural life. It caused a pit to grow in my stomach.
Not Margaret. Not Margaret! Margaret represented…I don’t know… something endless… ageless… never changing. She was that room under the garage, where nothing looks like it has changed since 1963, where we are all young girls and she is our mothers, and time is kind and gentle and nothing hurts, at least not for very long, and we might have to pause and be sick for a minute but no one is allowed to die!
The recording of Margaret’s stories required two compact discs. I think her family really cherishes that Christmas gift. We who shared the time and space when she recorded them certainly do. Those stories make us laugh out loud, and clutch our hearts at the same time. They make me feel like we are right there in the sewing room, listening to our teacher show us how to live, and maybe how to sew as well.
Three months ago … was it three months ago? I am messed up by the way time hurled itself into our sacred space under the garage! Something like three months ago Margaret announced, matter-of-factly, that the doctor had told her she has cancer. Colon cancer, to be exact. And she had decided that she wasn’t going to do any of that stuff to fight it off. “No one can say I didn’t live to be ninety-one, can they?” she said. We threw our arms around her and wept like schoolgirls. She patted our backs and reassured us that she felt fine and she trusted that God would do what he needed to do and we shouldn’t fret too much about it, and now let’s get that seam surged!
Wednesday mornings, like sacraments, came rotating through, and I found myself inhaling my moments with Margaret … almost hyperventilating with the inhaling. Each week her clothes hung looser, and her steps shorter, until two weeks ago she walked up from the sewing school and never walked back down.
A few days later, after Margaret took a bad fall in the driveway, Linda arranged a schedule for her sewing minions to take turns sitting with her. I spoke for Wednesday mornings. It was a holy day anyway, by now. Klixi-of-the-golden-heart, Margaret’s youngest who had been born in the sewing room, spent every morning helping her mom rise and dress and eat breakfast, along with her first dose of Morphine for the day. When I came into the kitchen, regardless of where she was physically or emotionally, those eyes lit up and her hands lifted to my neck. I realized, just this past Wednesday, that the sparkle in her eyes was that of my own mother, and somehow I suspected that there was a pact divinely orchestrated where God allowed me an extra five years of shimmer.
My friend Carla, who sewed beside me on many a Wednesday morning, and whose voice and musicianship is beyond compare, came to spend this past Wednesday with Margaret and me. I pulled the long black zipper on my gig bag and released my guitar, and Carla did the same to her autoharp case. We planted ourselves at Margaret’s bedside and began to sing. How Great Thou Art, and Nearer My God to Thee. Idaho Wind, and I’ll Fly Away. Song after song we breathed our love into her room. Klixi, for reasons known only to God’s angels, could not bring herself to leave her mother that day and go to work. Instead she sat beside her Margaret, stroking her hair while we played. Carla’s Margaret turned to her and thanked her. Marsha came into the room for her afternoon shift, and the chaplain from hospice. We all huddled there around her bed, exhaling our love. Carla and I left at 3 pm.
The next morning, while the cool air of the night still hovered at her windowsill, Margaret let the fabric of the veil tear in two and leapt into Heaven.
Two weeks ago my daughter Kate called on Sunday evening. We had just cleaned up after a delightful evening with Margaret’s family, where our sewing class had made dinner and Carla, her husband Dave, and I had put on an intimate acoustic house concert, all in Margaret’s honor. I told Kate about the lovely gathering, and how sad we were to think of losing Margaret.
“What’s wrong with Margaret?” Kate asked.
I know these hands.
Kate lives in New York, and I had neglected to tell her about the cancer. Kate became silent, and when she finally spoke again, I could hear the tears over the phone. That’s when My Margaret appeared. I felt her voice rise from my aching chest, her reassuring hands reaching across all those miles of America, patting my daughter’s back.
“It’s OK Kate. Margaret is OK. She says no one can ever say she didn’t live till she was ninety-one. And I mean live till she was ninety-one. Something has to kill us, or we’d never get Home.”
That next Wednesday, at breakfast in Margaret’s kitchen, I told her about my conversation with Kate. Margaret nodded, reached her hands up to pull me in, gave me a kiss, then whispered in my ear, “Thanks for being here. There’s no one I’d rather die with.”


Wherever she is, whomever she is with, and whatever stories she may be telling at this moment, I think somehow this woman who changed my life is changing someone else’s. Somewhere. And that person will end up thinking that this is their Margaret, because of her power to possess hearts. But I tell you, unequivocally and in all honesty, she is … and always will be… my Margaret.



For her birthday one year I ordered these tags for her creations.
I am a Margaret Farmer original, too.
My friend Suzanne could never bring herself to call her Margaret, “Margaret”. To her she was always “Mrs. Farmer”. I always thought it was a sign of respect, but looking from a distance, I suppose it could also be that when Suzanne is in that space, she is twelve years old, her father is still alive and she will have a groovy new pair of plaid bell bottoms before school starts next month. The girl in her who is still a vulnerable, hopeful, well-loved child feels at home there, like I do. 

Thank you, Margaret.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

OUR LOVE TRIANGLE (an anniversary letter to our kids)

40 years-ago today your dad and I lowered ourselves to our knees and looked each other squarely in the eyes, our hands intertwined on top of the altar between us. With a very few simple words we made covenants that, figuratively speaking, super-glued us together as husband and wife. Since Dad became a judge 10 years ago he has performed many marriages, in various settings, and I don't recall any other marriage ceremony where the couple kneels at an altar facing each other rather than facing the officiator. When I think about the covenant we made that day I recognize that, from day-one, we have been involved in a love triangle. Its always been me, your dad, and that altar.
Even though I was young and remarkably immature, I knew I was making very serious promises to your dad, for sure, but it took some maturing for me to realize that it was never going to be just the two of us…and thats not even considering you kids, whom I like to think were peeking over the edge of heaven when we sealed the deal there in the Washington DC temple. That danged altar has been hanging around all these years, sometimes making things soft and sweet, and sometimes, frankly, feeling like its in the way.
God is pretty clever, don't you think, representing Himself with an altar. What divides us also unites us. He plants himself between us because there are times, as you probably know by now, when our mortal instinct is to put up our dukes and fight, or just turn and run. So he either keeps us from killing each other or ties us together with that altar. It might surprise you to know that there have been times when I felt like maybe Id made a mistake back on June 25, 1977, even though I was married to Mr. Perfect.
It's a pretty difficult thing to be married to Dave Connors. I know I need to explain myself, because on the surface no one could possibly see any logic in that, but I have some. As you know, for many years I thought your father might be one of the three Nephites from the scriptures, those apostles who were given the gift of remaining on the earth and never tasting death. Theyre here somewhere, doing good in the name of the Lord. Dave is pretty much an ideal man, and sometimes that is hard to live with, because, as you also know, I am not an ideal woman. And, because I am a believer in being candid and truthful, I need you to know that there were times when I really didn't want to be married to a perfect man. I kind of wanted someone flawed, like me, with whom I could spar. Also, he is no fun to play Trivial Pursuit with, or any lexicology kind of games. So, here's my point: even if you're married to the ideal person, you're going to have times when you might not really care for them all that much. I don't know anybody really, who doesn't have some moment when they wonder what in the world they were thinking when they picked that particular partner. And there are times when we aren't the healthiest ourselves, in our thought processes, and our strengths become weaknesses for a while. These are the moments when I think of that altar, the third component of our marriage trio, and I remember that I made promises to two people, not just one, and sometimes that invisible one in the middle needs to get me through until I regain the feeling I had for my spouse. And after 40 years I can tell you, as long as I have kept the Lord a part of our trio, that feeling does eventually return, sometimes a little bit morphed, and usually a bit more mature, and it carries with it a strange kind of peace and satisfaction that people who have not gone through such things don't even comprehend. That altar is not always churchy, but it is always profoundly spiritual to me, even if I havent been to the temple in a while. (I have yet to stay awake through a whole endowment session.)
So heres the motherly advice I have earned the right to offer, but not force you to take, after 40 years of marriage: Hang in there, when these moments come, and be careful not to do anything you'll regret. Get help from others if you need to talk things out. And make sure that those others are not your children. 
Now, here's another truth. Not all of you are married. And none of you can make anyone else do anything they don't want to do, even your spouses. So, I remind you that each of you, and I consider this one of the great joys in my life, have chosen to kneel before the altar of the Lord individually and make your own sacred covenants between you and God alone. It was important to Dad and me that you recognized that your covenants made in the Temple of the Lord, your initial covenants, are yours and yours alone - between you and God and no one else. It has been 40 years since I made those covenants myself. My covenants with your dad happened at a later date. If Dad goes bonkers, (and I might drive him to it) then I have to live with my Lord and our own contract, and let that fellow I married choose what he wants to do. It was the first gift the Lord gave us besides our bodies to offer us freedom of choice.
Your dad and I pray nightly for each of you by name, for your spouses and your children, and your future spouses and children. I don't know what God has in store, and I don't know what we are all foreordained to experience to get us where we need to be in the end. But I have an awful lot of confidence in God, whomever he is and wherever he is, and in his team.
I hope for each of you to have enough. Enough trials to keep your spiritual muscles alive. Enough joy to keep hope in the mix. Enough questions to keep you growing, and enough answers to not only fill-in the blank spots in the puzzle of life, but keep you interested and willing to keep trying to find how the pieces fit together. I pray for you to have enough compassion that you are compelled to sacrifice for others, but not so much that you lose who you are and what you are destined to do because you are overwhelmed with the neediness of the world. I hope you have enough laughter, even if you need to dig deep for it, to see how crazy this existence is and how magical it is that we get to experience it. I hope you have ample opportunities to fall, so you can practice getting back up.
I hope you have enough that you will never starve to death, but I do hope you know the feeling of hunger, figuratively and literally. And I also hope that you have too much sometimes, and that you recognize you have too much, and are willing to let go of some of it for the sake of others and for your own sakes.

It is such an amazing thing to have lived this long! And really very cool to have been married this long! I feel like Dad and I should wear a ribbon or something saying, Ta Da, we have partnered through life for decades and we are still going strong. Huzzah for us!
On testimony Sundays I get a little uneasy. Sometimes well-meaning people will stand there and say they know the Lord loves them because they got what they wanted. The actual truth is the Lord, as I understand him, loves all of us, and he gives us what we need, and only occasionally what we want is what we need. So, on this day, the anniversary of my marriage to your father, I want to thank the Lord for giving me what I need. And I celebrate that what I need is generally also what I want. I love your dad with the love even I don't understand, but I accept it and embrace it. I have many weaknesses which you kids may have inadvertently inherited, and I'm sorry; but the one thing I am most grateful to have given you is a father who loves me and loves the Lord. I guess I can't really take credit for that, except for that in those times when I thought your dad and I had absolutely nothing in common except you kids, I stuck with him anyway. And let me say this, even though your dad will probably never admit it because he wears very narrow blinders where I am concerned, there have to have been times when he felt the same.
You know this antique Masonic altar we keep in our family room? The one that says Purity, Fidelity, Love and Truth on its four sides? I like to keep that here as a reminder of that third component of our personal relationship. Its Dad, and God, and me.

And then, thankfully… there came you!