34. JUNK MAIL

I am pleased to know, through the wonder of cyber info that came to me in my junk mail today, that I can find a real deal on a foreclosure home, and that there is a new organic coating for my cookware that will save the environment as well as take away unwanted calories in my food.  All I’ll have to do is contact Mr. Ibrahim Somebody and claim my $1.5 billion inheritance.  And if that money is slow in coming I can go ahead and contact the UN Undersecretary General for Internal Oversight and get my money, cuz it appears everyone else is out to get me.  I know I’m lucky.  She told me so…

Sinncerely, you are such a lucky person because as I just arrived in this country, I went through your fund ownership file to discovered that some top Nigerians and British Government Officials are interested in your fund and they are working in collaboration with officers from USA to frustrate you and thereafter diverting your fund into their personal bank account.

Whew, glad she caught that for me!

Even if the money doesn’t come through right away, I can be a very happy woman because some things in my life can apparently get bigger and more satisfying!  And some things can get smaller but more meaningful. And to make the pot even sweeter I can get all sorts of pharmaceuticals online for cheap or even FREE!  And I can go ahead and purchase those things with my new pre-approved VISA card, which is at this moment ready for delivery. 

I am most enthused about the possibility of finding a beautiful Russian wife. I had previously never even considered I might want a Russian wife!  But if she is willing to do certain things around here I might just click on the message and see what’s involved. I wonder if the wives they have lined up on their cyber shelf might be interested in this AARP membership once they have married themselves an American woman? Maybe she can interpret some of this other junk mail, one written in Russian-looking letters, and the other in Asian.  Maybe there are Asian Russian pretty women.  I have no doubt.

There are two fare wars, and two deals on Rolex watches that I would have to decide between.  It’s a tough call.  Hard to know.  So instead I lead the little arrow on my computer up to the top of this list of messages, one day’s worth, and double click on “empty”.  The messages instantly disappear, and a cute little sign pops up that reads:

 “You don’t have junk here (hooray!) - we’re working to keep it out of your inbox, too.”

Yay for filters!  Now I just need a filter at the garage door.  One that examines everything I bring in, sorting it before it ever plants itself in my perpetually growing “in - box”. I need to have something say, “Not so fast, lady!  That stuff is JUNK!  Do not let it past that door!”

And while we’re at it, I could use one in my head, too.