I was sitting on the couch writing when Dave got home last night. As we were chatting, the kitchen door creaked open.
"Hi, Banzie!" I heard Dave say as he passed into the kitchen. When there was no response, I paused from my writing. Then I heard mumbled moans, and I could tell his arms had wrapped around our daughter Annie's shoulders, and then the sobs came.
"I can't do it any more. I'm just a terrible mom. I can't do it."
I heard the muffled words, spoken through a stream of tears that soaked into her daddy's shoulder.
You need to know, first, that Annie is an exemplary mother; full of love and patience and good humor and lots of faith. And because she is a good mother, she is a frustrated mother.
I will explain.
In my opinion, the person who feels weak, and has faith in a higher power, is humble enough to be taught as they witness their own weakness. That humility, when coupled with hope and effort, opens access to the Holy Spirit, which is the source of truth. There is no better parenting resource than the Holy Spirit. A frustrated mother is one who is engaged in parenting. The perfectly satisfied mother is either in denial or has checked out and let someone or something else do the parenting for them.
Parenting reminds me of the time we were in Disneyland and our daughter Kate, who was three or four at the time, got super scared when the floor started dropping out of the Haunted Mansion. If there had been any way to remove her from the attraction at that point, I would have taken it. But we were stuck. So I knelt before her, took her in my arms and told her that the only way out was through. But, I assured her, I will hold you until the ride is over, even if it gets really, really scary.
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Sometimes the only way out
is through. |
Annie, now on the couch beside me, sat there with a river of tears puddling in the crease of her neck.
"I'm just a terrible mom. Why did God even think I could handle children?"
When the story finally emerged, I could see my own story in it. And, I dare say, the story of every other mom I have ever met, at least the real-life ones.
Turns out Annie had asked the kids to pick up their toys. Let's try to remember the number of times any of us parents have done that. Now let's try to remember the number of times we have been ignored. And now, lets try to remember that feeling of repeatedly asking... nicely, I might add... the same question over and over. Finally, the dam breaks, the steam builds to bursting, the straw breaks the camel's back! And Annie - worn out from lack of sleep, frazzled by non-stop dealing with irrational pre-schoolers, and being hormonally challenged during this week when she is weaning her baby - blew her stack. All this converged as Jordon walked in from work. She screamed, and threw up her hands and had that "I've had it with these kids" kind of fit that secretly made me giggle inside because it was so familiar to me. And since she knew the kids were safe with their dad, she walked out! And, here's the really great part, because they moved back to Utah she had a safe place to come and blow off some of the steam, or lift the drain in her tear catcher and let it out at her old home base - our house.
The honest truth is I was grateful for the whole sorry turn of events, because it brought her home.
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Annie and Calvin
on the first day of Kindergarten |
Eventually, after a good chunk of love therapy, and a hot dish of left over hamburger stroganoff, she decided she wanted to hug her kids before bed, and she returned southward to the ones she loves.
I got to thinking, late into the night when I knew they were likely all safely and happily sleeping in their darling house on Cobble Creek Road, about the emotion of anger and where it might fit in our eternal character. We give anger a bad rap, we Christians.
Monday, the day after Christ's triumphal entry into Jerusalem, he released his anger in the temple.
I am not a bible scholar, by any means, but I think I understand the importance of the Triumphal Entry. Certainly Jesus had entered Jerusalem before. What set this return apart from the others was the way Jesus let himself enter. For years he had hidden the fact that he knew he was the son of God. More specifically, the chosen son of God, who would redeem mankind. By openly admitting that he was the chosen son of God, he was breaking the law. This was known as blasphemy. And by breaking the law, he would be subject to punishment. The moment Jesus set himself on the back of that pure unblemished foal of a donkey, he knew the cog had been set in place, and the gears of fate had begun to turn. He had been foreordained to do this, yes. But knowing that did not eliminate the intensity of the suffering that would come.
I imagine the juxtaposition of emotions during that holy week that led up to His resurrection. Believers were ecstatic that their master, the Messiah, was finally being acknowledged. But the Master, knowing what was likely to come, had to have been so sorrowful. Empowered, yes, and sorrowful, too.
So, when He arrived at the temple, able to say that this was His holy house, I imagine He was pretty upset that the humans there had scattered their "toys" all around. And when they would not pick them up, well, the Parent got angry and turned the tables over and tossed them out!
No one would call what Jesus did abuse. Still, it had to hurt his heart to get mad. Maybe I am justifying our humanness. Or maybe He is giving us hope.
Hope, that even in anger we are entitled to some direction of the Spirit. Hope, that we can be forgiven for unrighteous anger. Hope that we can tell the difference between divinely justified anger and unrighteous anger. And hope that our children will be able to forget the repeated times when we "lost it" in our attempts to parent them well.
There came a point, for Jesus, when enough was enough, and He needed to let people know that some things will just not fly with Him.
And there comes a point, in our humble castles we call home, when our littles need to know what will not fly with us.
Holy Monday is that blessed day when Jesus reminds me that He understands me, even when I am scream-my-head-off mad. And my Annie reminded me, last night, that children who have felt that increase in love that follows outbursts, cannot even remember that their mom was a screamer. Annie swears she doesn't remember me yelling.
Hooray for selective memory.
By Tuesday, the word was out, and Jesus was called by temple leaders to account for His behavior on Monday. So began the blessed end. It would be his last day, as a mortal, in His holy house.