25. DO NOT SACRIFICE TRUTH FOR CLEVERNESS

As a songwriter I have a few personal rules.  One of them is this:

Never sacrifice the truth for cleverness

Of course we all want to be clever.  We live in a society that celebrates cleverness and wit. I wish I was naturally more witty than I am. 

Songwriters are familiar with a thing called “the hook”. It’s the part of the song that repeats; it’s usually in the chorus of a song, and it’s often the title. Songs like  Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” or the Beatles’ “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”; guess what the hooks are in those songs?

Country music is lyric driven, which why I spent a good bit of time in Nashville when I was working my tunes. Country songs are often full of clever hooks; things like “there’s a ring where her ring used to be”. I remember once, when I was a teenager, my mom and sisters and I were cleaning out one of the storage units in our apartment building.  I had a song running through my head, as usual.  Did you know, by the way, that everyone usually has a song running through their head, somewhere deep in the layers of subconsciousness.  Sometimes it drifts up to the conscious level.  Anyway, I had this Barbara Mandrell song in my head and I remember saying out loud that I thought the lyric was so good because it was so clever. “If lovin’ you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right”.

My mom, from deep in the storage unit, responded without even looking up: “It may be clever, but I wouldn’t want to sing it.” It made me pause and think about the lyric, and she was right.  Without preaching to me, she let me know that while the lyric was clever, it didn’t carry her truth.

I was in a boutique once, surrounded by all sorts of signs and garden stones and plaques with inspirational sayings on them.  A number of them had these two sayings on them:

Believe In Yourself

&

God Couldn’t Be Everywhere, So He Created Mothers.

I stood there, pondering those statements, and I realized that, while these may have been clever little sayings, they did not carry my truth.

First, God CAN be everywhere, cuz … he’s God! He can do what he wants. And if he chooses not to be in places that are totally evil, well, why would he want your mother to go there?

And that “Believe in Yourself, and Anything Is Possible”? I don’t think so.  Not that I don’t think that positive affirmations are helpful.  I think that a lot of good energy is wasted when we think with all our hearts that we can and should do something, meanwhile what we really could and should be doing is neglected. 

I’m thinking we should rewrite.

“ God Can Be Everywhere.  He Created Mothers.”

This is truth.  And it’s kinda witty, cuz at least for the teenagers who grew up in our house, the mom mysteriously showed up in the most random places, and knew the most random things about the lives of her kids.

As for “Believe In Yourself”, I’m thinking I’d be more prone to embrace this:

"Believe in the God who believes in You"

Truth is, I really do think God knows me better than I know myself.  And if He believes in me, and inspires me to do, learn, and be certain things, then I really do think I can do, learn and be those things. The trick is being still long enough to hear what He has to say.  If I think God’s behind me, then I know anything is possible.  But my uninspired wishful thinking will not be enough by itself…no matter how sincerely I wish.

My HOPE for today is that I do not get sucked into cleverness at the expense of truth and right. Be true…then be clever.

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24. EXHALE - INHALE

I wrote in an earlier post about tiny habits.  Small, easily accomplished habits, which we attach to other habits we have already acquired.  One tiny habit I started a couple years ago is still going strong.  I start my day taking five deep, lung stretching breaths as I gaze out my bathroom window.  In the process I remind myself to be in the moment… not thinking about what needs to be done , or beating myself up for a myriad of weaknesses.  Just “be”.  As a singer, this breathing exercise has beneficial consequences. And it fills my bloodstream with oxygen, which for a human being is helpful.

One day, as I stood at the window, weeping as I inhaled, grieving at the death of my friend who is like a sister, Cindy, I had a little epiphany.  I kind of think it might have been Cindy communicating with me, but that’s not essential to know.  I had found myself hyperventilating, trying to inhale, filling my lungs as full as possible.  Standing there, my chest puffed out, my eyes all swollen and red, this little thought came to mind as I stared out over the wooded hollow:

EXHALE is as IMPORTANT as INHALE.

I felt Cindy, and my mom who had passed the year before, both whispering that I needed to let go as much as I needed to acquire. And so I began focusing as much on the slow exhale as I focused on the steady inhale.

In life as in breath – we achieve balance – Qi – peace – when we release things that are no longer useful to us.  Spent air, with its oxygen depleted, needs to not only leave; sometimes it needs to be pushed out!

 In all aspects of our lives: physical, emotional, spiritual, it is my HOPE that my children, and others whom I love, will raise their consciousness … that I will raise MY consciousness…of things, ideas, beliefs and other spent items, so that I free myself up for a good healthy inhale to follow.

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23. CUSTOM FITTED SUITS

When we traveled to Hong Kong to pick up our daughter Kate, after she had served as a missionary for eighteen months, Dave and I made our way through the steamy, thickly populated streets to a little tailor’s shop.  Up some narrow stairs, and into a small front room, we looked at layer on layer of fabric as we waited for the tailor. She entered the room with  a necklace with a small pair of scissors around her neck and a measuring tape dangling from her shoulders.  In broken English, we discussed styles and fabrics.  She measured both of us, every inch, in places I would not have thought mattered.  Three days later Dave had a fabulously fitted new dress suit and I had a new floor length silk skirt to wear at our other daughter Annie’s forthcoming wedding. 

We, who live in the real world, generally dress ourselves “off the rack”, with clothing that is made to fit the average size of the typical human.  Custom made clothing is expensive, and difficult to make to fit perfectly.

Yesterday, as my grandniece Quincey was getting into her pajamas, she started dancing around in her nakedness. Pirouettes and arabesques in all her glory!  It’s cute to do that when you are three years old.  I mentioned that she had a very happy birthday suit! She looked at me, puzzled.  I told her that what she was wearing was the same thing she was wearing when she was born – on her birth day.  She looked down at herself, then up at me, then giggled a little. Quincey’s birthday suit was custom fitted for her, too.

When my kids were kids it seemed that at least once a day someone would be complaining that something wasn’t fair.  We had four kids in six years, so the instinct to compare was natural, especially when they were adolescents and teenagers.

Each of our kids had individual strengths and weaknesses.  One or two were perpetually, late.  One or two were a little lax in the homework department, and others never had to be reminded.  Some were dependable drivers.  Others spent a bit of time in traffic school.  Or grounded.  Some did chores without too much complaint.  Others… well, you get the picture.  It took me too many years to finally figure out that there was no way in the world that I could treat them fairly, because they each had individual lessons to learn.  And since I was their “tailor” so to speak, I needed to measure and cut according to the shape they were in.  Trying to get them to understand that we, as members of the human race, are supposed to try to  treat each other with fairness, while at the same time helping them see that their upbringing needed to be individually designed and therefore could not appear to be fair…well, that was quite the task!

Now they are grown, and my attention to “raising people” has turned to … well, to myself.  I am trying to raise myself, I suppose.  Or maybe it would be better put to say that I am conscious of the fact that Someone is raising me.  He knows me.  He’s measured and evaluated the way I move, and He’s created a custom fitted suit just for me.

My challenges and my strengths are custom designed for my spirit.  Because of that, I cannot adequately compare myself and my situation with a single other person alive, or who ever lived, because their suits were custom fitted for them as well. 

I have every confidence that the Tailor who crafted my spirit, is fully aware of every curve and divot, every weak and strong muscle in my soul.  He has clothed me in flesh, and in human experience.  He gives me custom challenges and sets me up for custom successes.  And while I complain that something is just plain too tight, he knows that I can grow and shrink to fit the suit as easily as He can adjust the suit to fit me.

My HOPE for today is that the ones I love will step back, quit complaining, and recognize that the things we hate about our selves and our lives are part of the suit our Maker has custom designed for our souls.  It may take a thousand years, or more, for us to finally see why the suit was so uncomfortable for a while. 

I’ve said for years,

"YOU CAN’T NOT LEARN!"

It may take a long time. It may take a good bit of stretching and pulling, and trimming and adjusting, but eventually we will look back and draw a breath, holding it in a while, then end with a sigh. “Ooooh! Now I get it!”  we will exclaim, as we button our suit coats around us, shake our shoulders and wiggle our hips.  “Fits just fine” we’ll say, forgetting all that time we were on the earth squirming and scratching when we first put on that suit God made for us…these custom fitted suits called life.

22. TINY HABITS

New Year’s Day: We recover from our late night/early morning celebrations -- sleep in, eat sporadically, lounge around…all in anticipation of the return to routine after the holidays.  And for many it’s the first day of new resolutions.  

I’ve learned, after years of failure, to avoid New Year’s Resolutions.  It’s just so hard on my ego.  Goals are a serious problem for me. 

When the bishop in my ward, which is similar to a pastor or priest in a church congregation, asked me to serve as the president of our Young Women’s youth organization, I made a confession right off.  I thought this might make him reconsider.
“I am not converted to the Personal Progress program.” I said, lowering my head in a semblance of shame.  The Personal Progress program for our Young Women is a series of goals the girls set, which in general help them achieve a higher level of living.  They include spiritual, intellectual, and physical goals in varying categories.  My problem with the program is that not all people do well with goal setting.  Something in the setting of goals turns them off, sets them up for failure, and worst of all, makes them feel like they don’t belong. I am one of these, and I fear I am not alone.  I worry that the teenage girls in our church community who are not among those achievement oriented ones, would feel like they don’t “fit in” in the community of God’s children.  My very wise bishop responded…

“Can you love the girls?” 

“Yes. Yes, I can!”

And so began three wonderful years of loving the teenage girls who share my faith; some of whom share my weaknesses as well.

I have two basic problems with goal setting. One comes with belonging to a community of people trying to improve.  I’ve been in a number of these groups.  Weight Watchers, for instance. And church. The good that comes from these communities far outweighs the bad (pardon the pun) but there is a tendency among those who are leaders/encouragers to tell us how to improve, and in so doing, suggest we set goals they think are good for us. And they may be 100% correct, but the rebel in me does not want to be told what to do!  In other words, my problem is not with the goals, but the fact that some goals are not my own. They’re someone else’s, and they feel forced upon me.  I believe our own inspiration should direct our goals.  I’m pretty sure that if the Holy Ghost is not the inspiration behind my goals, I am bound to fail.

The other problem I have is that some of the goals I set, when I do set them, are just plain too big.

So I have considered myself a GOAL FAILURE.  (By the way, I’m really quite good at projects. I’m just not the best a developing good habits…and the goals I’m talking about here are behavioral).

Then, last year, I watched a TED Talk by a fellow named BJ Fogg, PH.D , who is Director of Persuasive Tech Lab at Stanford University. His talk was called TINY HABITS.  In the most simple terms, he suggested that the way to effect change is to make progress one tiny habit at a time.  He discovered that the most effective strategy for developing new habits is to make them small, doable, and attach them to other things that we regularly do every day.  For instance, he wanted to increase his strength, so he started doing one push up every time he went to the bathroom. The gist of it was that he attached a very small new behavior to another behavior he regularly performed.  Afterwards he “celebrated” by basically telling himself he was awesome for doing it. The  key factors were these:

1.   The new behavior was tiny, took very little time to perform, and was achievable without much effort

2.   The new habit was triggered by an old habit which is regularly performed

3.   There was a tiny celebration after the new habit was performed (Awesome!)

I gave it a go. I had wanted to make myself more mindful in my daily living, but wasn’t sure how.  So, with the guidance of my own personal inspiration (i.e. the Holy Ghost) I decided that every day, after I washed my face, I would stand at my bathroom window and take 5 deep breaths. After my morning shower, after I splash toner on my face, I walk over to the big plate glass window that looks out over the hollow in our back yard, and I breathe deeply five times.  I remind myself to see the beauty that surrounds me.  I do not require myself to repeat any mantra, or to be grateful for five different things, or to recite a scripture; though each of those things entered my mind as I began this practice over a year ago.  I simply require myself to inhale and exhale deeply – 5 times. It’s been a beautiful exercise, and I’m pretty good at it now.  In fact, every time I smell the toner I use on my skin, I automatically breathe slower and deeper.  In the process I have become more aware, more grateful, and more calm as I approach each day.

The side consequence that I had not expected when I started this tiny habit was the feeling of accomplishment that came with actually sticking with something long term.  It’s so against my nature…unless it’s a bad habit. I’m pretty good at sticking with bad habits.

My HOPE is that, like the good Lord suggested when He said “Line upon line; precept upon precept”, we allow ourselves to make progress one baby step at a time. Triggered by things we are already doing, let’s make something more of ourselves.

See BJ Fogg’s TED talk HERE.