60/40 (2025-21)

I texted my friend Sonya this morning, asking how she's holding up. Sonya and her husband Matt are salt-of-the-earth good people, dripping with talent and generosity and just plain loving hearts. 

Her response:  "Like 60/40".

Sonya, Matt and their daughter Maddie have reason to feel emotionally vulnerable, less than 100%. Just after Labor Day last year, their 19-year-old son and brother, Grey died unexpectedly from his own heartache, leaving them with not only his heartache but their own to deal with. They blessedly opened their experience for the benefit of others, and in the process let their wounds heal organically from the inside out rather from the outside in, which can risk infection. 

When my mom had surgery on her duodenum, as an older woman, the doctors left the wound  on her abdomen wide open when they sent her home, knowing that my sister Libby would be dutiful in her care of our mother. "It will heal better from the inside out," they said, "But you'll need to be consistent in keeping it clean and healthy as it heals." We called it the Gram Canyon. It was a long gaping wound that revealed the layers of skin and went clear down, nearly to the organs. Libby cleaned it daily, methodically, and with a prayer each time she worked. She cleaned it and packed it, then when she was done she kissed our mother on her forehead for good measure. Bit by bit it healed. 

I suspect this is how Sonya is healing. It's not a particularly pretty or comfortable process for her, but in the end I think it allows for more complete healing.

Grey was an incredible soul, and a most powerful force for good in this iffy world of ours. He had a heart just about too tender for this hard place we are thrown into. Kindness was his watchword, and he was graced with talent. He was brilliant, and burdened in his brilliance, which made us so tired for him and grateful he is free of it, though we all would have preferred he stick around and heal from the inside out as well. Nonetheless, Sonya, Matt and Maddie and the rest of the innumerable people who love him are left to heal themselves.

Benjamin Grey Hansen

I also think it fitting that Grey's death came the week of Labor Day. Sonya labored to get him here nearly two decades ago, and now she is laboring to let him go.

All day I've been pondering Sonya's reply to my text: 

"Like 60/40"

What I love about Sonya's response is this:

First, she is aware of herself and her thoughts and feelings. 

Second, she's real and honest about her self awareness. 

Third, she is willing to share it when safely asked.

And fourth, its not "all or nothing."

ALL or NOTHING is very tempting. We tend to answer each other with short one word statements when asked how we are doing. "Fine", or "OK", stuff like that. I get it, I do it myself. We are not in a place to open up full conversation. But I love how Sonya offered me more info in her short response.

I understand, in the most basic of ways, the concept of 60/40 in investment; trying to create a balance between safe and risky. And I get the 60/40 in hair styles creating a bit gentler and more aesthetically pleasing part line than straight down the center of the head. All of it boils down to creating a livable balance. I'm probably 60% OK and 40% a wreck. (which is better than 50/50.)

What Sonya's 60/40 said to me was that she is functioning, and she is allowing joy into her life, but none of it will override the healing wound. 60/40 is a pretty good way of expressing that. 70/30 might mean she's having a bit of a struggle. Then maybe "Today I'm feeling 90% of the pain and hoping for the joy to visit tomorrow," would tell me it's time to send a little love-CPR her way. Or at the very least pause in purposeful prayer on her behalf, since sometimes there's not much a human can do.

Sonya, I'm going to adopt the percentages philosophy you taught me today. Thanks for that. And now every time I use that percentages format I'll think about how much I adore you.