2023/4. LOST LYRICS

Tonight, we were watching an episode of The Chosen that correlated with the scripture story we studied in church, where Jesus healed the man with palsy. At one point in the show we missed what Peter said to Mathew, so we rewound the recording. Hooray for technology! On the second-go-round we still couldn’t understand what he said, so we rewound again and added closed captioning. Again… technology! We finished the show, prayed together, then Timo went up to bed, Dave pulled up his calendar for court tomorrow, and I went to finally get out of my Sunday clothes. I instinctively started the washing machine in our bedroom closet so I could wash Timo’s livery jacket that smells like goats. At the same time, I became conscious of the layer of music playing in my brain. Did you know most people have a layer of music playing in their head at any given time? We are rarely conscious of it, but its true. When I became aware of this phenomenon I started taking note of it for myself and sure enough, there is almost always some random song underneath a couple layers of other thought. If I am in the process of writing a song it is usually that song, and it ends up driving me batty. Songwriting can be a blurse that way. 

Tonight, I recognized the tune as one from the made for TV Rogers and Hammerstein version of Cinderella. “In my own little corner in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be.” I brought the tune to the surface and started humming, eventually letting the words spill into the forefront. First verse, second line…”On the wings of my fancy I can fly anywhere, and the world will open its arms to me.  I’m a young…” hmmmm, I know I’m a princess, but from what country? I racked my brain to take me back to our house on Old Clairton Road and our black and white TV. Leslie Ann Warren is singing, her hair wrapped in a kerchief. There’s a whisp of smoot on her cheeks as she sings. 

“Seriously, I know this song! “I tell myself. I’d sung it a hundred times, pretending to be her, knowing I was exactly the kind of girl Prince Charming would fall in love with (before he grew out of his castle and became Dr Alan Quartermain on General Hospital.)  I could not for the life of me find the lost lyric in my head. I know it’s in there rattling around somewhere!

In the olden days, information was available to common folk in one of three places:.

1.     Mom or Dad. (I should like to say teachers, but in those days I didn’t ask teachers random questions. We just tried to be dutiful students and answer their questions.)

2.     The set of orange skinned Childcraft books that lined up regimentally on the lower bookshelf, minus the Stories & Songs volume that fell in the bathtub. Or the more mature set of Encyclopedia Britannica strategically placed too high for little hands to reach. Both sets circa Nineteen-Fifty-Something.

Or

3.     The Library, a quarter mile down the road and only open on weekdays until 8 and Saturday until 4. 

If what you wanted was the lyric to a new-ish song you were generally out of luck unless there was a record store nearby and the liner notes contained lyrics.

 

Now I am an old-ish woman with a stacked washer and dryer in her bedroom closet. As I scooped a grainy mound of laundry soap into the washing machine and slipped my nightgown over my head, I sang the song-worm aloud, hoping there would be an auditory trigger that made the missing lyric fall out. But alas, it wasn’t there. Eventually I found myself, instinctively, flopping into my recliner with my computer on my lap. A click-click-click into a search bar and within seconds I not only found the lyric but also had a sweet little ten-minute whirlwind romance the prince charming of my childhood. 

There is so much at our fingertips nowadays. I am amazed, with the immediate access technology gives us to all sorts of sweet reminiscences, that we get anything done at all.

For all its drawbacks, I celebrate technology. Otherwise, there would be a serious brain wormhole by morning from a futile search in the catacombs of my memory for lost lyrics.

Norway, by the way. The princess in the song is Norwegian. Sheesh, I’m glad to know that!

Good night.

2023/3. THE MINISTERING JIGSAW

When you have a scatter-prone brain, and a big old wad of life to chew, things can get a bit disorganized. The parade of neighbors who walk through our back gate, the only passageway between two neighborhoods, would recognize this as a Connors truth. Dave, by nature, is much more organized. He just can’t keep up with me and my need to hang onto stuff cuz someone might need it. To be quite honest, we are those people folks call when they need a random this-or-that for an upcoming event, and I am always happy to oblige. It only really becomes a serious problem when I can’t find that thing I saved for “such a time as this” and I end up beating myself for having no order whatsoever. We live in a jigsaw puzzle box. At least its colorful.

My personal business motto is IDEAS R US. My head is on idea overdrive. They rattle around in my brain like ping pong balls falling on Captain Kangaroo. It’s been this way since I was old enough to think. I should probably clarify… CREATIVE IDEAS R US.  

Really useful things like balancing budgets and sorting junk drawers are not necessarily in my skill set. Which brings me to my Lazy Susan.

Last summer we purchased a large round table for our dining area. It seats ten for our Sunday dinners. It came with a dandy Lazy Susan to set on top. Thick glass with good bearings that make it spin smoothly and with ease, like an eternal Merry Go Round. Without it the table is too large to pass anything across to the persons opposite. Last Sunday, when my nephew’s family was here from St George and able to join the masses for Sunday dinner, we taped extra wide paper on top of it, manned the kids with colored Sharpie markers, and made a giant Spirograph.

Monday I placed 150 names, printed on pieces of cardstock, on top of the glass. I had been trying, for weeks, to organize on my computer, and on a legal pad, and then finally Ideas R Us popped out the prompt to use the Lazy Susan.

Here’s what Monday looked like.

 

Now, after roughly 50 hours, and I am not kidding about that, here’s what it looks like.

 

Such is the task of organizing people. Trust me, it’s easier to dig through the garage. Not as much risk involved.

I love my calling as Relief Society President. I honestly do. I feel like my heart has grown three sizes too large, or whatever it did in the Grinch (not that I’m a grinch, though after our four hour presidency meeting today my counselors might say otherwise). Pretty much any Relief Society of Elders Quorum President will tell you that keeping ministering assignments organized, functional and flowing is the bane of their existence. One person moves and the whole jigsaw puzzle starts to fall apart. Because of the pandemic, when I was first given charge of this responsibility, I felt impressed to create ministering groups rather than companions. These teams of sisters watch over each other. There has been greater ownership and more equal-based friendships formed under this format. More of our membership is accounted for, and the connective thread between the sisters and the bishop is stronger under this format. But we needed to make come changes. For instance, because we have a senior mobile home park in our church community, we had assigned couples to minister together. A few weeks ago we had an 83 year old and a 78 year old lying on the ground under the trailer of one of our sisters attempting to fix a pipe. The holy spirit of all things safe whispered “Isn’t there a younger demographic that could do this kind of ministering?” And so the shifting started and I ended up with this mess on my Lazy Susan. (By the way, who came up with the term Lazy Susan and why didn’t they call it The Great Facilitator instead?)

The visual of what I could do on my table, with a gentle spin allowing potential changes, was perfect, though we haven’t had dinner at the table all week.

Finally, with the ultimate help of my blessed friends Tasha, Cheryl and Bonnie who man this ship with me, we have a collection of remarkable women who, if they give it a chance, will have their lives changed for good and will look back years from now and wonder what they might have missed had they not moved forward with faith.

Here’s what I have discovered in the last three years I have served in this calling: 

1.     I can do hard things

2.     If I will keep a prayer simmering in my heart and brain, the Holy Ghost pretty much always comes through

3.     I can achieve less by doing everything myself and more when I let go and allow people to step in and either help or take charge

4.     Everyone is majestic and everyone struggles

5.     Good people make mistakes

6.     God knows more than I do (he keeps teaching me this)

 

Now is that sweet spot where no-one knows about these changes so no one is panicked and calling me. 

Breathe in – Breathe out.

 

Also, I need this book, except I can't stay focused long enough to finish books :-) 

2023 / 2. HEMS

Timothy’s new white suit arrived today. A Prime delivery, ordered on Tuesday and on our doorstep two days later. We live in remarkable times. Because he begins his service as an ordinance worker in the Bountiful temple tomorrow, I asked Timo to try it on while I grabbed my pin cushion. He stood on the raised hearth of our family room looking a little bit like a kid wearing Daddy’s suit. The sleeves were three inches too long and the trousers a good four inches past his heels. I asked him to carry my small Bernina out to the kitchen table and bring me my good sewing scissors. He handed me his suit, we read our nightly chapter from the New Testament, then off to bed he went.  Here I am, 3 am, finally finding time to do my writing exercise for the day. One of the magical things about deciding to write every day is you start seeing the ordinary of life with a writer’s eye. It makes the mundane sparkle. Everyone should write.

I spent some time in quiet introspection as I worked this unexpected task tonight. I am not a seamstress by any stretch of the word, especially since my Margaret, who tried her best to teach me to sew ten years ago, skipped town and took up residence in Heaven. If Margaret were here I would have waited till morning and begged her to walk me through it, knowing full well that she would eventually scoot me out of the chair and fix it for me if I whined enough. So instead, I had to pretend she was walking me through the cuffs of the suit jacket, which is fully lined. I really have no idea if what I did is functional. But it looks pretty good, to my untrained tailoring eye. The proof will be with the young man sound asleep upstairs.

Ironically, my sister Libby and I attended the temple today. We had heard there were some changes in the presentation of one of the ordinances and we were interested to participate. There were, indeed, some beautiful changes, not in the ordinance itself, but in how we were taught the meaning of it. 

I have struggles with some of the promises I make in the temple. I will keep those struggles to myself and my God for now, but I am not one of those profoundly blessed people who find complete peace and comfort in this holy place. I usually come out with more questions, like there is a pebble in my pretty white shoes and it rubs me raw in that one place. I see no need to hide this. It’s my truth. It’s not pushing me to abandon the whole thing. But I do have questions for which I search for understanding if not answers. I can hear the voice of my mother telling me, “You are not likely to find them outside. Search in earnest inside. So I return with my queries and a healthy dose of trust. If I die and find out I’m a fool, then at least I have lived a happy fool’s life of service and love. How can that be so bad?

So I am thinking, these past hours in my chair, my thumb and finger working the fabric and pushing the needle-led thread between two pieces of fabric… I am thinking how these little stitches bind two separate things together. I look at the hem of Timo’s trousers when I am done and discover it’s sadly puckered. That’s when I hear my mother’s voice again, whispering, “That will iron out. Don’t worry.” And you know what, she was right. Under the weight and heat and steam of my iron the puckery hem turned nice and crisp and even and flat. The threads and the fabric were forgiving. Just took a little heat and pressure.

So, too, I suppose, will my issues with certain aspects of my faith. Just because I don’t understand all of it does not mean it is not understandable. After all, we humans only use something like 10% of our brains. Mom repeatedly told us the Lord is just and it will all work out in the end. God is binding me to him. It may be a little wrinkly now, but I have confidence He can iron it out.

I miss my mom.

As I stood at my ironing board, pressing the hem of my faithful boy’s temple suit, I got to thinking about the woman with the issue of blood, as told in the New Testament. She’d been bleeding for many years. I suspect she had tried everything to fix it. When Jesus came through the crowd, and she hadn’t the strength to press her way through the throngs, she lowered herself to the ground and stretched her hand through the masses to touch the hem of his robes. With all those people pressing against him, he felt her need sucking the miracle out of him.

“Who touched me?”

It’s no accident that the woman, under Mosaic law, was cast out and considered unclean. I love how Jesus used the least likely people to teach us the most profound truths. It’s worth noting too that most of the people surrounding him were seeking miracles as well. And I think it is symbolic that it was the hem she touched. Not his flesh, not his head, but the hem of his robes. In my overly symbolic mind I imagine it was the knotted fringe of his rabbinical shawl, the Tzitzit maybe, that represented the priesthood keys he carried. Whatever it was, her faith, combined with his ability to heal, made her whole.

Tonight, clothed in my own doubts, I pray the touching of a holy hem will bring me comfort, if not answers. I am a woman with issues, and I am reaching.

LENT 2023 1. SACKCLOTH & ASHES

Sackcloth and Ashes

 

Timothy was set apart

His mother wept

And so did I.

He wore his new blue suit

The fibers freshly woven and evenly spaced

 

He sat alone in the center of their circle

Closed his eyes and dropped his head

 

They laid their wrinkled hands on him

And told him to stay home

When what he wanted

What we wanted

What we thought God wanted

Was for him to travel far and preach the Word

and wear the fibers of his new suit thin

 

Instead, he tends the goats

On Fridays and Saturdays

At the park in Salt Lake

 

His suit hangs in his closet for Sundays

And temple days

 

Timothy likes the goats

But they are not his

Which is probably good because its easier to lose what you do not own.

 

Last week he came home

And lifted his chilly feet out of his mucky boots

By the kitchen door

He pulled his arms out of his jacket and hung it on the banister

 

I was pressing my fist into a triple batch of roll dough

“How was your day, Buddy?”

He answers, 

Always,

With a cheerful

“Good!”

But he went on, as he pinched a piece of dough from the counter

“It was a little sad though.

One of the goats miscarried.”

 

He went on while I kneaded

Told how there were two of them,

One quite small and deformed

That’s probably why it didn’t work out

 

It struck me how mature he was

Witnessing his first miscarriage

And I prayed the prayer of a grandmother

As I slapped and turned the dough with

Equal measures of gratitude and pleading

 

Timothy wears a perpetual smile

A real one, that requires no forethought

He sleeps in his room alone at night

No companion but God himself

With the aid of an alarm clock

To get him up and on his knees before the sun rises

 

And because none of us has thought to buy him a barn coat

He wears his high school drumline jacket

To tend the goats

 

I lift it from the banister where he hangs it

Every Saturday night

And lay it in my washing machine

Where water,

By immersion,

Washes it clean

Every whit.

 

Timothy does his own laundry

But this one garment I keep for my own

Pre-Sabbath ritual 

to wash away what stinks

 

Timothy’s barn sits up there on the hill

Where pioneers are celebrated

At the mouth of the canyon in Salt Lake City

Next to the blacksmith shop

I imagine the rhythmic pounding of hammer on anvil is a comfort to my drumline boy

 

He is happy to serve

Happier than we let him be

In his goat’s hair sackcloth

And the ashes of a Smithy.

Timothy's goats

Timothy's coat

Timothy's drums

 

DELUXE CARROT CAKE

Long ago, before the internet, when I was a young 21-year-old trying to figure out how to walk the path of wife and mother, I bought a cookbook from the Junior League of Upstate New York. We were living in Rochester NY at the time. That cookbook has some of my favorite recipes. One of them is this really moist and yummy carrot cake. 4 cups of raw carrots makes it really moist. And though I am a firm believer that butter makes everything better, this recipe needs oil to make it right. Resist the urge to replace it with butter.

DELUXE CARROT CAKE

2 c flour

2 c sugar

2 t baking soda

2 t cinnamon

1 t salt

4 eggs

1 c vegetable oil

4 c raw grated carrots

3/4 c chopped walnuts (optional)

Mix flour, sugar, soda, salt, cinnamon together in a separate bowl. Grate carrot to equal 4 cups. In large mixing bowl beat 4 eggs until foamy. Drizzle oil into eggs as you continue to beat. Add dry ingredients, then carrots. Add nuts.

Bake at 350 in greased and floured 9x13 cake pan for 35 minutes or until done.

or in 3 cake pans for a layered cake, 25 minutes.

Cream Cheese Frosting

Beat 8 oz softened cream cheese with 2 T soft butter until creamy. Add approx 4 -5 c powdered sugar and beat. Add 2 T vanilla and beat. If its too runny, add more powdered sugar.

Frost cooled cake then sprinkle crushed nuts on top if you've used nuts in the cake.

PAGE TURNING DAYS (the month of May-hem)

The oldest children of our oldest children graduated from high school last week. The week before that, the youngest child of our youngest child graduated from pre-school. The week before that, Dave attended the 50th reunion of his high school graduating class in Bethel Park PA. And the week before that, one of my dearest friends graduated from life on earth. I have Pomp and Circumstance running as the soundtrack for the month of May. Plus there were are lot of important and memorable in-betweens in there as well. I  am currently caught in a swirl of reminiscence that makes me feel like I am slammed against the wall of a spinning Tilt-a-Whirl and I have absolutely no power to save myself from the forces being hurled at my heart right now. I am a mess of laughter and tears, realizing that my self-definition is once again shifting and I don't feel prepared. Change is hard. Even good change is hard.

When Timo and Sophie, my first grandchildren, were born I was 45 years old, relatively young to start redefining myself as a grandparent. My kids had all grown and flown by the time I was in my early forties. At the same time I got really sick with Guillain Barre Syndrome. There was a mighty shift in my life then. I’ve adjusted, but it sure took a while. Now I feel a little panic rising in the center of me, a sort of PTSD. I have to catch myself and tell myself to release the tension, to relax my legs from digging in my heels to try and stop all of this, to verbally talk myself down: “It is perfectly normal for you to feel this way. You will get through it. Just breathe and try to enjoy the process as you actually DO move into old age!”

I recall that long-ago day when we were with friends at Lake Powell and I decided to try hang gliding. Because I was heavy, I thought I should start back further on the rock structure bordering the lake. When the boat took off and I was running behind it on the rocky shore. The air lifted me up then dipped me down, dragging me across the rocks instead of the water before it took me high above the reservoir. I floated up there, my legs and feet throbbing, tears streaming into my hair against the thrust of the wind. I told myself to enjoy the ride. “Isn’t this so beautiful? (Ow ow ow ow) What a view! (Ow ow ow ow) You’d better enjoy this because you are never going to do this again.” I shouted this to myself up there as I looked down at my blood dripping into the lake far below me. Some processes are just painful regardless of how beautiful they appear to be.

Looking back, I realize that life, by nature, comes in segments. There are chapters that are pretty universal. That day you go to kindergarten, the day you get your driver’s license, the day you graduate… and so on. At least that’s how it seems to roll in my first-world culture. Pretty much every woman, regardless of their cultural or economic status, can tell you about the day she started her period, though for some reason in our culture we have attached unnecessary shame to it. Most people can recall their first inklings of romantic love and to whom those feelings were connected. I call these page turning days; pivotal moments that had a well-defined before and after that are separated by that event. Frankly, I don’t remember that feeling of first going to kindergarten, but I can recall with clarity of emotion the first day each of my own children went to school for the first time. I was handing them off, like the baton in a relay race, to people I frankly did not know. Handing-off your kids takes a whole bushelful of trust. You feel your legs stop pumping beneath you, despite the momentum you’ve gained. It’s a sudden shift, and you feel pain and relief at the very same time. It feels like, with graduation, I am floating above my life and watching my heart drip life-blood into the reservoir of memory. It sounds dramatic. And it is.

Herewith, since words are failing me at the moment, are thousands of words caught in picture, because May 2022 was a page turning month:

My girl and her boy.
(Timothy Petersen)

My boy and his girl.
(Sophie Connors)

My girl and her girl.
(Tessa Merrill)

 

This is Timothy Petersen, our oldest grandchild.
Timo is a drummer, percussionist, vocalist, 
pianist and composer. He played in Lyceum Orchestra, Caleb Chapman's 
Jazz bands and Mountain Ridge High bands and Jazz Band. 
His compositions have been performed in Abravanel Hall, Utah Arts Festival,
Lyceum Spotlight Concert and Mountain Ridge Band Concerts.
If you have been to my Christmas Concerts you've also heard him, first as
a little boy in my Heavenly Choir, then last year as the drummer in my band.

He also sang in the Jazz Choir and Madrigals under
the tutelage of the amazing Kelly DeHaan.

He was Mountain Ridge High's recipient of the Louis Armstrong Jazz Award.
He was offered scholarships to Boston Conservatory,  Berklee College of Music,
BYU, U of U, and BYU I. He chose to attend University of Utah.

He was super stoked to receive the score to the film
How to Train Your Dragon as a graduation gift. 
(He's unapologetically nerdy like that)

Timo has been blessed...

 

... with really great friends and mentors.

He was captain of the Mountain Ridge Drum Line
and lettered in choral and band music,
with eleven additional bars. He was an honors graduate
with distinction in band and choral music.

This is our Sophie...

...Sophie Hannah Connors. Sophanna Banana.

She was part of the Farmington High Golf Team.

This year she was Team Captain.

Yesterday she got back from a fun Senior trip
with her friends and a few of their moms.

She has also been blessed with dynamic friends...

... and mentors.

Sophie was a beautiful dancer
before CRPS told her body not to dance.
She has learned to deal with chronic pain
with grace, elegance and good humor.
She now uses her strength and energy
to help people with their physical therapy,
and she teaches swimming. 

She is one of the most well-balanced people I know.
She is smart, kind, selfless but also has measured confidence.
She will be attending Utah State University studying nursing.

This is Tessa Jane Merrill.
She graduated from Farmington High Pre-school.
She is kind and sassy and talented and funny.
I love her.

She turned five years old
two days after graduation.
She got to hold a baby lamb
on her birthday...

... and ride a pony. Yee Haw!

Gratefully, this grad
still likes to play with me.

That guy in the middle is His Honor, 
my Dave, with his best friend Karl Kern
at their high school reunion.

Karl, Dave and their pal, Bizzy.
No friends like old friends. Karl is a heart surgeon in Tucson AZ.
He bestowed Doctoral robes on his son Matt this May, as he
graduated from the med school where Karl teaches.

And lastly, the close of the graduation ceremony for
my dear friend Marsha Bradbury.
She was goodness personified.

All these humans have altered my life, every one of them for good! I love them more than they could ever imagine!

(I need a nap.) 

(We all need a nap.)