29.CRITICISM

 

As a teenager I fancied myself a poet. As a winner in the LDS Church New Era Magazine Poetry Contest I received a talent & leadership award that paid for half my college tuition. Naturally, I enrolled in a poetry class my first year at BYU. As the semester evolved I found myself disheartened, right on the edge of broken-hearted actually, because much of my self-definition included the word "poet", and the class wasn't going well.

One Sunday, on the phone to my mom who lived 2,000 miles away, I told her I was no longer a writer.

"What makes you say that?" she responded.

"My professor just doesn't like my work," I said, my voice breaking.

Mom paused.

"Do you like his work?"she asked.

I paused.

"Not really," I answered. "I don't really care for his style."

"Then take what he has to offer, chew it up, swallow what you should and spit the rest out."

I can hear the echo of her words through the tiny speaker in the telephone headset. I recall the timbre of her voice, the familiar combination of conviction and tenderness. This was the same woman who regularly asked "Want me to hit 'em?" when anyone did anything that hurt her grandkids. She championed for the people she loved. 

This piece of advice was different. She needed to do more than cheer for me. She wanted me to trust the foundation of my sense of self, and that required solid truth, with all the scum of the world scrubbed away. Her advice carried additional wisdom, and I rehearse it regularly. Mom was telling me that while our feelings may be hurt by what someone says, there also may be legitimate growth opportunity in a good critique. 

Step 1: Consider the source. Do you respect the person giving the criticism? Do you admire their work? And do you think they see your work clearly?

Step 2: Lick your wounds until the pain subsides. Careful to not jump to final conclusions when a wound is raw. The pain interferes with the ability to think clearly.

Step 3: When the pain no longer blinds you, step back and look objectively at what has been said or done. This step is best achieved with the guidance of Holy Angels who are often beckoned through prayer.

Step 4: Mentally chew on what was offered. This is a tough one, because we don't always see clearly and our perspective is often skewed. You might want to ask the Holy Spirit to lead you to someone to talk to about it, carefully. And over chewing can lead to lockjaw, so be aware of that.

Step 5: Write it down if it gets jumbled in your head.

Step 6: Separate the gristle from the meat. Find what is valuable and helpful, swallow that, then spit out what is not helpful. Again, the Holy Spirit is a dandy separator. Use it. 

Step 7: Move on. One of the first and finest gifts given to all humans is the right to choose and change. If you want to make changes, usually subtle shifts that come from self awareness, do it. This is how we get beauty from ashes.

Mom's advice saved me from trying to be someone I'm not supposed to be. My poetry evolved into lyric writing. And while I can't tell you a single concrete concept I learned in that college poetry class, I can vividly recall, own and cherish the words my mother left me.